Best E-mail Jokes

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Best E-mail Jokes

Here's a compilation of some of the jokes I receive through the mail. If you think you have one worth publishing, send it over and if it is really good, I will post it.



Due to the current financial situation caused by the
slowdown of economy in US since last Christmas, Management has decided to implement a scheme to put workers of 40 years of age, on early retirement. This scheme will be known as RAPE(Retire Aged People Early).

Persons selected to be RAPED can apply to management to be eligible for the SHAFT scheme (Special Help After Forced Termination). Persons who have been RAPED and SHAFTED will be reviewed under the SCREW scheme (Scheme Covering Retired Early Workers). A person may be RAPED once, SHAFTED twice and SCREWED as many times as Management deems appropriate.

Persons who have been RAPED can only get AIDS Additional Income for Dependants of Spouse) or HERPES (Half Earnings for Retired Personnel Early Severance). Obviously persons who have AIDS or HERPES will not be SHAFTED or SCREWED any further by management.

Persons staying on will receive as much SHIT Special High Intensity Training) as possible. Management has always prided itself on the amount of SHIT it gives employees. Should you feel that you do not receive enough SHIT, please bring to the attention of your Supervisor. They have been trained to give you all the SHIT you can handle.

The Management


A fire fighter was working on the Engine outside the station when he noticed the little boy next door sitting in a little red wagon with little ladders hanging off the side. The boy was sporting a fire fighter's helmet and had the wagon tied to a dog and a cat.

Hey, little partner, what are you doing?"

"I'm pretending to be a fireman and this is my fire truck."

The fire fighter walked over to take a closer look. "That sure is a Nice fire truck," he said with admiration. A closer inspection revealed That the boy had the wagon tied to the dog's collar and the cat's testicles.

"Little partner," the adult said, "I don't want to tell you how to run your fire truck, but if you would tie that rope around the cat's collar, I think you could go faster."

You're probably right, mister, but then I wouldn't have a siren."


A married man left work early one Friday afternoon.
Instead of going home, however, he squandered the weekend (and his pay check) partying with the boys.

When he finally returned home on Sunday night, he ran into a barrage of epithets from his wife. After a couple of hours of nagging and berating, his wife asked "How would you like it if you didn't see me for a couple of days?" "That would suit me just fine!" the man said.

Monday went by, and the man didn't see his wife.

Tuesday went by with the same result. Wednesday went by with the same result.

Thursday, the swelling went down a bit and he could see her a little, just out of the corner of his left eye.


Are you aware of the discovery in the human body of a nerve that connects the eyeball to the asshole?
It is called the anal optic nerve.

It is responsible for giving people a shitty outlook on life. If you don't believe me, pull a hair from your ass and see if it doesn't bring a tear to your eye.


Mr. Smith goes to the doctor's office to collect his wife's test results. The lab tech says to him, "I'm sorry, sir, but there has been a bit of a mix-up and we have a problem. When we sent the samples from your wife to the lab, the samples from another Mrs. Smith were sent as well and we are now uncertain which one is your wife's. Frankly, that's either bad or terrible."

"What do you mean?" "Well, one Mrs. Smith has tested positive for Alzheimer's disease and the other for AIDS. We can't tell which is your wife."

"That's terrible! Can we do the test over? "Normally, yes. But you have an HMO, and they won't pay for these expensive tests more than once."

"Well, what am I supposed to do now?" "The HMO recommends
that you drop your wife off in the middle of town. If she finds her way home, don't sleep with her."


Love - When you communicate through the universal language.
Lust - When you communicate through body language.
Marriage - When you communicate through a third party -
usually, a psychiatrist, a priest or a lawyer.

Love - Kiss above the neck.
Lust - Kiss below the neck.
Marriage - Kiss is plural for what you use to open the door, unlock the padlock of the gate and start the car. In the plural of the plural, it can also sound like the brand of chocolates which the expectant mom pines for kapag naglilihi.

Love - When your relationship lies on a bed of roses.
Lust - When your relationship lies on any surface.
Marriage - When you lie about your relationship and sleep on a bed ofnails.

Love - When you think of your partner as your soul mate.
Lust - When you think of your partner as your bed mate.
Marriage - When you think of your partner as a problem.

Love - "You and me against the world..."
Lust - "You and me anywhere, anyhow, anytime!"
Marriage - "You and your in-laws! @#*^#@"

Love - When you write poems about your partner.
Lust - When all you write is your phone number.
Marriage - When all you write are checks.

Love - When you wish upon a star.
Lust - When you wish upon a starlet.
Marriage - When you wish you didn't.

Love - Rose is her favourite flower.
Lust - Rose is the colour of the contraceptive.
Marriage - Rose could be the other woman.

Love - When you hold a bundle of joy.
Lust - When you hold a bundle of briefs or bras.
Marriage - When you hold a bundle of bills.

Love - When your farewell is, "I love you darling..."
Lust - When your farewell is "So, same time next week?"
Marriage - When your farewell is a relief.

Love - When you hold hands.
Lust - When you hold buns.
Marriage - When you hold each other hostage.

Love - When you are proud to be seen in public with your
Lust - When you only see each other naked.
Marriage - When you never see each other awake.

Love - When you wake up with a smile.
Lust - When you wake up because it's checkout time.
Marriage - When you wake up outside the kulambo.

Love - When you propose with a ring.
Lust - When you propose another round.
Marriage - When you propose to do the laundry.

Love - When you protect your partner from harm.
Lust - When you protect yourself from disease.
Marriage - When you wear a body armor and helmet for

Love - When your anniversary/engagement/wedding ring is on
your finger.
Lust - When your anniversary/engagement/wedding ring is inside your pocket.
Marriage - When your anniversary/engagement/wedding ring is
in the pawn shop.

Love - When your eyes meet across a crowded room.
Lust - When your tongues meet across a crowded room.
Marriage - When you lose your child in a crowded room.

Love - When you share everything you own.
Lust - When you steal everything your partner owns.
Marriage - When the bank owns everything.

Love - When cheating is considered a crime.
Lust - When cheating is considered a sport.
MARRIAGE - When cheating is considered when filing your
income tax.

Love - You plead for forgiveness for your crime - and you're granted a pardon.
Lust - You plead temporary insanity for your crime - and you're under probation.
Marriage - You plead innocence - and you're still sentenced to life.

Love - When sex is about having kids.
Lust - When sex is about having bastards.
Marriage - When sex is about having brats.

Love - When you greet them with, "How's your day?"
Lust - When you greet them with, "How was I?"
Marriage - When you greet them with, "Where have you Been?"

Love - When you order food from a restaurant.
Lust - When you order for room service.
Marriage - When you're ordered to finish the leftovers in the freezer.

Love - Going out means you're on a date.
Lust - Going out means checking-in at a motel.
Marriage - Going out means having to do the grocery.

Love - When you phone each other just to say, "Hi."
Lust - When you phone each other to set the tryst.
Marriage - When you phone each other to bitch.

Love - When your heart flutters every time you see them.
Lust - When your groin twitches every time you see them.
Marriage - When your wallet empties every time you see them.

Love - When nobody else matters.
Lust - When nobody else knows.
Marriage - When everybody else matters and you don't care who knows.



E-mail Fel Marpa