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Chinese-Filipino names
Born during the night ---- Andy Lim
Born blind --------------- Kenneth Sy
Born being swindled ------ Lino Co
Born while cooking ------- Nilo Toh
Born as 10th child ------- Sam Po
Born while being courted - Lily Gaw
Born fat ----------------- Bob Uy
Born little -------------- Kathy Ting
Born different ----------- Eva Yan
Born with porridge ------- Lino Gaw
Born looking for someone - Allen Sia
Born while counterfeiting- Faye King
Born during Sunday ------- Lyn Go
Born with malice --------- Mali Sia
Born angry with someone -- Ally Tan
Born with a picture ------ Lara Huan
Born with sweets --------- Ken Dy
Born undefined ----------- Sam Ting
Born while taking a bath - Lily Go
Born not to take a bath -- Dinah Lily Go
Born while buying -------- Bill Li
Born secretly ------------ Tina Go
Born to pass flatus ------ Otto Tin
Born ugly ---------------- Kaw Yan
7 reasons not to mess with children
1) A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales.
The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though it was a very large mammal
its throat was very small.
The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale.
Irritated, the teacher: reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human; it was physically impossible.
The little girl said, "When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah".
The teacher asked, " What if Jonah went to hell?"
The little girl replied, "Then you ask him".
2) A Kindergarten teacher was observing her classroom of children while they were drawing. She would occasionally walk around
to see each child's work.
As she got to one little girl who was working diligently, she asked what the drawing was.
The girl replied, "I'm drawing God."
The teacher paused and said, "But no one knows what God looks like."
Without missing a beat, or looking up from her drawing, the girl replied, "They will in a minute."
3) A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five and six year olds.
After explaining the commandment to "honor" thy Father and thyMother, she asked, "Is there a commandment that teaches us how
to treat our brothers and sisters?"
Without missing a beat one little boy (the oldest of a family) answered:
"Thou shall not kill."
4) One day a little girl was sitting and watching her mother do the dishes at the kitchen sink. She suddenly noticed that
her mother had several strands of white hair sticking out in contrast on her brunette head.
She looked at her mother and inquisitively asked, "Why are some of your hairs white, Mom?"
Her mother replied, "Well, every time that you do something wrong and make me cry or unhappy, one of my hairs turns white."
The little girl thought about this revelation for a while and then said, "Momma, how come ALL of grandma's hairs are white?"
5) The children had all been photographed, and the teacher was trying to persuade them each to buy a copy of the group picture.
"Just think how nice it will be to look at it when you are all grown up and say,'There's Jennifer, she's a lawyer,' or 'That's
Michael, He's a doctor.'
A small voice at the back of the room rang out, "And there's the teacher, She's dead. "
6) A teacher was giving a lesson on the circulation of the blood. Trying to make the matter clearer, she said, "Now, class,
if I stood on my head, the blood, as you know, would run into it, and I would turn red in the face.."
"Yes," the class said.
"Then why is it that while I am standing upright in the ordinary position the blood doesn't run into my feet?"
A little fellow shouted,
"Cause your feet ain't empty."
7) The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic elementary school for lunch. At the head of the table was a
large pile of apples. The nun made a note, and posted on the apple tray:
"Take only ONE. God is watching."
Moving further along the lunch line, at the other end of the table was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies.
A child had written a note, "Take all you want. God is watching the apples".
Top 10 Funny Store Signs
1.Outside a muffler shop: "No appointment necessary, we hear you coming."
2.Outside a hotel: "Help! We need inn-experienced people."
3.On a desk in a reception room: "We shoot every 3rd salesman , and the 2nd one just left."
4.In a veterinarians waiting room: "Be back in 5 minutes, Sit ! Stay!"
5.At the electric company: "We would be de-lighted if you send in your bill. However, if you don't you will be."
6.On the door of a computer store: "Out for a quick byte."
7.In a restaurant window: "Don't stand there and be hungry, come on in and get fed up."
8.Inside a bowling alley: "Please be quiet, we need to hear a pin drop."
9.In the front yard of a funeral home: "Drive carefully, we'll wait."
10.In a counselors office: "Growing old is mandatory, growing wise is optional.
Elderly Humour
Two elderly gentlemen from a retirement center were sitting on a bench under a tree when one turns to the other and says...
"Slim, I'm 83 years old now and I'm just full of aches and pains. I know you' re about my age. How do you feel?
" Slim says,
"I feel just like a new-born baby."
"Really!? Like a new-born baby!?"
"Yep. No hair, no teeth, and I think I just wet my pants.
Driving
Two elderly women were out driving in a large car both could barely see over the dashboard. As they were cruising along,
they came to an intersection. The stoplight was red, but they just went on through.
The woman in the passenger seat thought to herself "I must be losing it. "I could have sworn we just went through a red light."
After a few more minutes, they came to another intersection and the Light was red again. Again, they went right through.
The woman in the passenger seat was almost sure that the light had been red but was really concerned that she was losing it.
She was getting nervous. At the next intersection, sure enough, the light was red and they went
on through. So, she turned to the other woman and said, "Mildred, did you know that we just ran through three red lights
in a row? You could have killed us both!"
Mildred turned to her and said, "Crap, am I driving?"
TELL ME THIS WON'T HAPPEN TO US !!!!
you started it
A guy walks into the local welfare office for his monthly check. He marches straight up to the counter and says, "Hi. You
know, I just HATE coming in here drawing welfare month after month. I'd really much rather have a job."
The social worker behind the counter says, "Your timing is excellent. We just got a job opening from a very wealthy old man
who wants a chauffeur-bodyguard for his nymphomaniac daughter. You'll have to drive around in his Mercedes, but he'll supply
all of your clothes. Because of the long hours, meals will be provided. You'll be expected to escort her on her overseas
holiday trips. You'll have a two-bedroom apartment above the garage. The starting salary is $200,000 a year."
The guy says, "You're bullshitting me!"
The social worker says, "Yeah, well, you started it."
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We Pinoys got the best sense of humor in the whole world!!!
*A beauty parlor in San Juan : Cut
& Face •
*A wholesaler of balut in Sto. Tomas, Batangas: Starduck •
*A small Internet café: Cafe Pindot •
*A laundry in Manila : Summa
Cum Laundry •
*A noodle restaurant in Pampanga: Mekeni *A restaurant in Pasig : Johnny’s Fried Chicken, The “Fried”
of Marikina •
*A tombstone maker in Antipolo: Lito Lapida •
*A copy center in Sikatuna Village , Quezon City : Pakopya ni Edgar •
*A kambingan: Sa Goat Kita •
*A salon somewhere: Curl Up And Dye •
*A store selling feeds for chicken along Sucat *A shoe repair in Marikina : Dr. Shoe-Bago •
*A shoe repair shop along Commonwealth
Ave., Quezon City : SHOEPERMAN (We will HEEL you, save
your SOLE, and even DYE for you) •
*A petshop: Petness First •
*A flower shop: Susan’s Roses •
*A taxicab: Income Taxi •
*A second-hand watch store: 2nd Time *A squid stall in a wet market: Pusit to the *A lawyer’s extension office: Nota Republic •
*A ceiling installer: Kisame Street •
*A car-repair shop: Bangga Ka ‘Day! •
*An aquatic pet store in Malolos: Fish Be With You • *A
fishball cart along P. Campa St. , near UST: Eat My Balls •
*A barber shop in Cagayan de Oro: Pinoy Big *A resto in Baclaran: The Last Supper •
*A party-needs business: Balloon-Balloonan •
*A Chinese restaurant in Pasig : Lah-Fang •
*A store selling fresh chicken, apparently owned by a woman named Dina: Dina Fresh Chicken • *A Hair Salon in Makati : Hair
We Go Again.
OLD MEN CAN STILL THINK FAST.
An elderly man in North Carolina had owned a large farm for several years. He had a large pond in the back. It was fixed up
nicely with picnic tables, horseshoe courts, some apple trees and a few peach trees. The pond was properly shaped and fixed
up for swimming when it was built.
One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn't been there for a while, and look it over. He grabbed
a five gallon bucket to bring back some fruit. When he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee.
As he came closer he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his pond.
He made the women aware of his presence, and they all went to the deep end.
One of the women shouted to him, "We're not coming out until you leave!"
The old man frowned and said, "I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or make you get out of the pond naked."
Holding the bucket up he said, "I'm here to feed the alligator."
Moral: OLD MEN CAN STILL THINK FAST.
excellent police quips
Who says cops don't have a sense of humour? The following were taken off of actual police car videos around the country.
"Relax, the handcuffs are tight because they're new. They'll stretch out after you wear them awhile."
"If you run, you'll only go to jail tired."
"So you don't know how fast you were going. I guess that means I can write anything I want on the ticket, huh?"
"Yes, Sir, you can talk to the shift supervisor, but I don't think it will help. Oh ... did I! mention that I am the shift
supervisor?"
"Warning! You want a warning? O.K., I'm warning you not to do that again or I'll give you another ticket."
"The answer to this last question will determine whether you are drunk or not. Was Mickey Mouse a cat or a dog?"
"Yeah, we have a quota. Two more tickets and my wife gets a toaster oven."
"Just how big were those two beers?"
"No sir we don't have quotas anymore. We used to have quotas but now we're allowed to write as many tickets as we want."
"I'm glad to hear the Chief of Police is a good personal friend of yours. At least you know someone who can post your bail."
"You didn't think we give pretty women tickets? You're right, we don't. Sign here."
I can't remember
When I went to lunch today, I noticed an old man sitting on a park bench sobbing his eyes out. I stopped and asked him what
was wrong. He said, "I have a 22 year old wife at home. She makes love to me every morning and then gets up and makes me
pancakes, sausage, fresh fruit and freshly ground coffee."
I said, "Well, then why are you crying?"
He said, "She makes me homemade soup for lunch and my favorite brownies and then makes love to me for half the afternoon."
I said, "Well, why are you crying?" He said, "For dinner she makes me a gourmet meal with wine and my
favorite dessert and then makes love to me until 2:00 a.m." I said, "Well, why in the world would you be crying?"
He said, "I can't remember where I live!"
0 to 200 in just a few seconds
A couple had been debating buying a vehicle for weeks. He wanted a truck. She wanted a fast little sports-like car so she
could zip through traffic around town.
He would probably have settled on any beat up old truck.
Everything she seemed to like was way out of their price range. Look!" She said. "I want something that goes from 0 to 200
in just a few seconds. Nothing else will do. My birthday is coming up so surprise me!" He did just that. For her birthday,
he bought her a brand new bathroom scale.
Nobody has seen or heard from him since.
THOSE "SENIOR MOMENTS"
Two elderly women were eating breakfast in a restaurant one morning. Ethel noticed something funny about Mabel's ear and she
said, "Mabel, did you know you've got a suppository in your left ear?"
Mabel answered, "I have a suppository?" She pulled it out and stared at it.
Then she said, "Ethel, I'm glad you saw this thing. Now I think I know where my hearing aid is."
THE SENILITY PRAYER
Grant me the senility to forget the people I never liked anyway, the good fortune to run into the ones I do, and the eyesight
to tell the difference.
Got a hard drive?
LITTLE JOHNNY ASKS: "Daddy, how was I born?"
DAD SAYS: Ah, my son, I guess one day you will need to find out anyway! "Well, you see your Mom and I first got together
in a chat room on MSN. Then I set up a date via e-mail with your mom and we met at a cyber-cafe.
We sneaked into a secluded room, where your mother agreed to a download from my hard drive. As soon as I was ready to upload,
we discovered that neither one of us had used a firewall, and since it was too late to hit the delete button, nine months
later a blessed little Pop-Up appeared and said: You've Got Male!
say the blessing?
wife invited some people to dinner. At the table, she turned to their six-year-old daughter and said, "Would you like to say
the blessing?" "I wouldn't know what to say," the girl replied. "Just say what you hear Mommy say," the wife answered. The
daughter bowed her head and said, "Lord, why on earth did I invite all these people to dinner?"
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